Acceptance Is The First Step In Winning Back an Ex
Nov 8th, 2008 by Samantha Fulcher
Rarely are break-ups enjoyable. Even in where both parties consent to the separation, break-ups stink, especially for the victim. But the good news is that these decisions often lack permanence. Instead, a break-up normally is an unintentional test, meaning that winning back an ex happens more often than not. Realizing this fact will help break-up victims tremendously and will save them from saying or doing things they will later regret.
First, let’s look at the first two stages of a break-up before tackling the task of winning back an ex. Like with anything, a break up comes with several emotional stages. First, most people face denial. The news may seem unreal or might have a numbing effect. It’s usually difficult to come to terms with this devastating blow. Depending on the personality type, denial can last as little as a couple of minutes.
The typical second stage is anger. This can lead to feelings of hatred, or resentment, jealousy, or any and all of the above. Not uncommonly, victims may destroy joint property like a favorite bench or pillow or even memorabilia like photos that carry an emotional link to the ex. Some may make derisive remarks or comments. Again, this stage is normal but depending on the harshness of actions made in anger, damage to the long-term relationship could impact the likelihood of winning back an ex. Therefore, it is best to tread lightly and refrain from anger as best as possible.
No matter what was said or done following the initial break-up, all the victim needs to do in order to start the process of winning back an ex is accept the break-up, at least verbally. This means telling the ex that the break-up makes sense and that having freedom presents some clear benefits. The earlier acceptance takes place, the easier it to deliver the message with sincerity. For example, accepting the breakup after burning an emotionally rich photograph will involve back-tracking and apologizing for the behavior, whereas acceptance at the very beginning may involve a sentence or two like, “I’m glad you said that, I actually feel the same way.”
Theoretically, accepting the break-up soon makes perfect sense. Since the break-up itself is often a test by the ex, the victim also needs to do some testing. This does not imply taking a bad risk or playing mind games. The victim’s test is important in terms of seeing whether the break-up is indeed real and permanent, even though statistically it is not. In the event that it is, would it not make sense for the victim learn of this real and permanent break up earlier so he or she can move on? Of course it does. Therefore, acceptance is a necessary step.
The acceptance stage normally begins the turn-around of the break-up process. This can be demonstrated by the ex’s surprised when the victim agrees and accepts the break-up. Just like a poker player won’t go all-in unless she knows her opponents’ hands, the ex typically won’t initiate a break-up unless coming back is a “sure thing.” Normally, victims will take back an ex without exception and without a time limit. But when the victim accepts the break-up, the ex realizes that maybe his or her calculations were wrong and that a mistake was made. If a bit of “time” was really what the ex wanted, then he or she realizes that going back will have to happen sooner rather than later. The last thing the ex will want is to allow the victim to really start enjoying that freedom.
