Ending a Relationship: Things to First Consider
Jan 13th, 2009 by Antonio MacGynn
Note to self: Water the plants. Take out the trash. Walk the dog. Break up with significant other.
If you relationship has soured and you want to take the necessary steps to end it, it should be more than a mere entry on your “to do” list. Sadly, many relationships last far beyond their expiration dates simply because breaking up is hard to do. But if you have determined to end your relationship, you should do so honestly, with civility and dignity.
Sometimes a break up happens in dramatic fashion with clothes being thrown out of a second story window. Other times, the relationship just peters out until someone says its caput. How do you go about ending a relationship so that neither party gets hurt?
Have it clear in your mind that this is what you want. The immediate reason you think you want to end the relationship may not be the real reason, it might just be a symptom. Give it much concentrated thought and you will isolate the real reasons. Then you must be honest. When you talk to your partner you must be honest to them and to you.
Unless you are in a long distance relationship, schedule time to be together to have this discussion. If long distance does separate you and you can’t get together in the near future, this may have to be done on the phone. It is better sooner than to postpone it. This discussion should be respectful and you should dignify your partner by having it in person whenever possible. It should never be in an e-mail or a text message. Not only would that be undignified, it would be cruel.
Be empathetic. This is a difficult conversation for both parties. If you want to remain friends, fine, but it has to be with the proviso all romantic ties are over. Don’t put your partner on defense; be compassionate. Tell them you have learned much and will cherish memories you share. You need to “be there” during this talk because you want to compassionately respond to them if they become very emotional.
Remember your partner may respond emotionally and say things that are hurtful. Do not take them seriously. Let them roll off of your back. In emotional times things are said that are not meant. Be kind and don’t respond emotionally. Your ex may need to see you again in order to conclude the relationship. Or they might need space. Give them whatever the need. Give your ex this dignity.
Making you feel guilty may become the aim of your ex, but avoid this feeling. You are about to start a new chapter in your life and it no longer includes a romantic relationship with your ex. It is good to maintain a positive relationship of some sort, but if you ended the relationship for honest reasons, it is in both your best interests.
Will you ever get back together. Only the two of you can decide. Most relationships can be saved but both parties have to work at it, and conditions must be met. If you are both willing to do the work necessary to repair the relationship, you will become a stronger couple. But if the break up is final, honesty, civility and dignity require that you both walk away and move on.
