How To Not Lose Yourself In New Relationship
Aug 17th, 2009 by Astrid Engels
You probably know someone like this. They have a rising career, terrific friends, tons of hobbies; everything that makes life complete, with one exception. Then comes the frosting on the cake of life. They sign up for internet dating and meet “the one” complete with kisses, butterflies and complete chemistry.
A few months later, these two are a couple. A happy pair cocooned in wrappings of romantic bliss. Unfortunately, their friends aren’t receiving very little face time, their career is getting less attention, and hobbieswhat are they??
We date because we want to find a lifelong partner that complements us and makes us happy, without totally giving up our independence. So how do we share ourselves and not surrender?
When we start dating someone new and everything is so wonderful, we seek out situations where we get THAT feeling. That totally amazing, connected, electric feeling that, for most new couples, is best achieved when theyre alone, clear of mental obstructions from their single lives; the cocoon stage, the salad days.
Dont get me wrong, this is one of the few perfect things that exists; the time of getting to know everything about each other, developing all your little habits and routines as the bourgeoning pair you areits amazing and I know its like nothing else exists for awhile.
But the other things? They still exist. And believe it or not, there will come a day when you shake out of your love daze (not out of love, necessarily, but out of the daze), look up and realize that youve let the other important parts of your life fall into disrepair.
Now, Im not saying this always happens. Sure, its supposedly possible to achieve great balance from the outset of a relationship and everything is the picture of moderation. I say supposedly because, admittedly, I am NOT one of those people.
In fact, I really like not being one of those people who are all balanced and logical when falling in love. The craziness and being wrapped up entirely in someone else is great. But, at the same time, I feel all kinds of icky and out of sorts if I let that love thing go on for too long without tending to the other areas of my existence.
So what is the answer to finding the balance? Can we surrender to the loveliness of a new romantic interest while keeping the ties to our single life strong?
This is the point at which we need to know the difference between compatibility and chemistry. That electric spark is chemistry, and it has nothing to do with how compatible you will be in your day to day lives.
It’s relatively easy to find someone who makes your hormones sing. It’s not so easy to find someone who shares your passion for early morning 5 miles runs or model train collecting. Though you don’t have to find your twin to have a successful love life, it is about compromise. And the closer someone is to your present way of life, the less of a gap you’ll have to overcome.
Making a relationship work is, well, work! But when you find a partner who makes your knees weak, joins you in doing things you love (and vice versa), AND who likes spending time with you and your friends and family, that’s worth waiting for. And worth working on.
