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For folks who have been victimized by a break-up, seeking advice online might be a first step. However, stressed by the circumstances of the relationship, these people are vulnerable to unproductive and inaccurate advice. Often, they are seeking way to get back with an ex and instead get bombarded with calls to end the relationshp and move on, be an adult, et cetera, et cetera. While some relationships are not worth saving, so many forum respondents choose to promote a break up rather than encourage saving a marriage or any other worthwhile union.

Now, saving a marriage or other relationship should always be the first recommendation in most cases. The reason for this is twofold. Plus, with divorce rates at startling highs — 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages, and 74% for third marriages — it makes more sense now than ever before that people should be given a second chance.

The first is that a lot of people who post advice on these forums do not know the relationship. Coincidentally, these same people will comment on the high divorce rate and bash people who get married or hook up only to break up after so little time. Well, duh, they are the ones encouraging this! If you have ever visited such a forum, you have seen the so-called advice too often: “He dumped you, move on, get over him and find someone else, girl, be strong!” Understand that these posts are based only on several small details; they do not have a full grasp of the circumstances that led to the original post.

Second, when trying to get back with an ex, a lot people who were dumped act irrationally. This can further complicate the relationship; sometimes, people get caught up in the emotion of the moment and instead of saving a marriage, they act in a way that causes further deterioration to the relationship. Anything from name-calling to phone- or text-stalking can enhance tension in a relationship. If the person who did the dumping didn’t fall in love with a stalker or name-caller, then he or she will not feel inclined to go back to the relationship.

In nearly all cases, saving a marriage or relationship makes the most sense. Consider that during the course of a relationship, both parties ultimately build a comfort zone. Starting a new relationship involves risk — risk of failure, risk of discomfort with the other party. Most people are averse to taking such risks and prefer to stick it out. In fact, our psychological hard-wiring has made it easier for us to put up with someone who borders on emotionally abusive than to risk starting a new relationship with someone else. For the most part, forum posters fail to realize this and come up with more-difficult recommendations.

In summary, forum posters who encourage a fresh start with someone new are essentially shifting the blame for the break up to the party who is seeking advice in the first place. Often, posters will try to point out general flaws in the offending party without having a full understanding of the relationship or circumstances surrounding the break up. As a result, it is always best to take advice on forums with a grain of salt, which is not always easily done in moment of heartache and desperation. Surely, most posters have good intentions, but their posts do little to mend a marginally broken relationship. By discounting the benefits to saving a marriage or other relationship, they are essentially encouraging avenues that only complicate matters further.

Tags: Marriage