The Amicable Divorce
Nov 25th, 2008 by Carol Cavanaugh
Marriage is a beautiful institution in which two people join together and begin their lives as a family. But what happens when those families when the marriage ends? Certain measures need to be followed to ensure that everyone involved is left with few emotional scars. Even if it was unbearable to live together with your spouse, it is important to maintain a level of civility with each other. Make sure all children involved are aware of what is going on and make sure you keep a normal routine. Whenever you are able, make certain functions for your children a priority and both parents should be there. Finally make peace with yourself and with your spouse.
Your children will not be able to adjust to their new lifestyle if animosity continues. If the children see you behaving badly, they will behave badly. Behaving in a polite manner with each other will make life easier for your children and you. Your children will transition better if you transition well, so keep it cordial. Children from broken homes do not have to experience constant trauma. If you strive to get along, you will go a long way toward making the experience something your children can not only survive, but learn from and use as a growth experience.
To make sure your children are aware of what is going on, sit down and have a talk with them. Your children have a right to know what is happening, and the changes that are going to occur. Breaking up a family is hard on children mainly because they are required to step outside their comfort zone and into the unknown. By talking to them in a straightforward manner, it will make them feel more comfortable and more grown up. Children need to know what is happening next, and answering questions will add some stability to their lives.
Part of helping your children to feel stability is the development of routines that work for both parents and the children. A schedule to which both parents commit will help the children cope with a future that will sometimes feel unsure. Parents should try to stick to the agreed upon schedule so that children can feel valued and maintain their own sense of order. As well, children should have a space at their own in their new home so that they can feel some ownership of their new spaces.
As your children grow they will participate in more outside activities. With these activities it is paramount that both parents are involved in supporting them in their endeavors. When work and distance make being there impossible, set aside time to make as many functions as possible. Being there for your children displays your commitment and love for them even after the breakup. Also, they work in their activities, and they deserve your attendance and support to keep them going on.
Of course, it is very tempting and easy to stay mad, place blame, and sling accusations in a divorce situation. Rise above it. It’s important to your kids. Forgiveness doesn’t always happen overnight, but when it is accomplished, everyone will be happier. If you just can’t bury the hatchet on your own, seek some guidance. See a counselor, pastor, or other trusted advisor. Put peacemaking at the top of your list of priorities. No matter what it takes, it is worth the effort.
As so many marriages sour these days, we need to think first of our children. We need to remember the situations we will put them through and that most often they are innocent bystanders. Children are so very impressionable, and they mimic what they see around them. Making the transition as smooth as possible is essential, but not always achievable. The goal is to put forth your best effort and stay in control of your emotions. What matters most is that your children are safe, secure, and comfortable with the transition. When you have achieved this you have won the battle.
