You Want To Get Back With Your Ex But Others Say Move On: Why?
Nov 14th, 2008 by Daryl Duke
It should come as no surprise that the divorce rate in America stands at 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages and a startling 74% for third marriages (third time is not a charm after all). With our natural disappointment with these figures, it stands to reason that accepting a break-up is not the correct long-term solution for any relationship. Often, perseverance in trying to get back with an ex makes sense, although your most-trusted friends and relatives will probably argue otherwise. Still, it is unfair to blame friends and family without first understanding the basis for their often-misguided advice.
There are plenty of reasons why the people closest to you discourage you from trying to get back with your ex. Let’s face it, rarely will these trusted advisors urge you to “think logically, give it some time, then do what you need to do to get him/her back.” No, they will often remind you of some long-forgiven deed, give you a hug, and tell you that things happen for a reason, it’s time to move on and start anew. They do this because it is easier for them to do so, because they remembered the last fight, the last time you had your heart-broken. On the other hand, it is so much more difficult to send a friend or relative back into a situation where they are vulnerable to future heartbreak.
Since people are more likely to complain about a bad service experience than they are to praise one, they are also more likely to complain about a relationship. How often do conversations with friends and family evolve around how much your partner appreciates you, how well you are treated, and how supportive they are? Rarely. And this makes sense because, first of all, nobody likes to come across as bragging or privileged. As well, we often grow to expect appreciation and above-par treatment from our partner, so we often fail to recognize it as something worth talking about. And, let’s face it, the arguments are much more entertaining, aren’t they? Well, consequently, with nothing left but the arguments to talk about, this is what our friends and family hear. When a break-up happens, is it not logical then for them to encourage us to move on and find someone else?
As an aside: Ever notice how everyone will complain about the high divorce rates quoted in the opening paragraph? Of course, nobody likes to see such a national problem, yet why are we often urged to move on and forget rather than fight to get back with an ex? It’s nearly paradoxical…
Equipped with a general foundation for why friends and family might support a break-up rather than backing you in your attempts to get back with an ex, you should start to realize that their advice is often misguided. Does that make them bad sounding boards and/or terrible friends and relatives? To the contrary, it makes them great friends and relatives because it proves just how much they care for you. But you should be cautious when taking their advice. Often, they dismiss your feelings for wanting to get back with your ex (actually for good reason, although it is outside the scope of this article) even though these feelings are not only legitimate, but your desire to get back with your ex is justifiable on so many levels (provided, of course, there was no abuse, cheating, lying, etc., etc.). In fact, if the problem leading up to the break-up was one of misunderstanding, then it is extremely likely that the long-term strength of your relationship will increase.
Typical misunderstandings would include arguments of finances and other value misalignments like promising to meet somewhere at a certain time but failing to do so. Of course, these problems are always trivial in print or when coming from a third-party, but internalized they create great tension in a relationship and are often cited by therapists as the reason for break-ups. With a bit of accommodation and compromise, everything is work-able.
With break-ups rarely being a permanent solution to a relationship, you can definitely succeed when trying to get back with an ex. Using the virtues of patience and objectivity, the resulting, refreshed relationship should gain in momentum and strength. Therefore, the final thought is that friends and family do not like seeing you in emotional pain; their advice to you is often not based on all of the facts and their aim is help you avoid getting hurt in the future. The only way you can know whether you should get back with an ex is through your own feelings. But, statistically speaking, it makes sense for you to strive to keep your relationship together.
