You’re Not a Failure if You Get a Divorce
Oct 8th, 2008 by Carol Cavanaugh
Whatever the circumstances, whether it was the husband who initiated it or the wife (or both), divorce usually makes an individual feel like they have failed. After standing before a minister or notary and swearing you’ll be with your partner through good times and bad until the day you die, if those vows get destroyed in some fashion, it is not a pleasant thing to go through.
A process of healing and recuperation does follow divorce, but often a period of grief precedes this process; especially if the divorce is long overdue. Most people are vulnerable during this process as it takes time to be completely healed. During this time, one must refrain from participating in stressful activities in order to allow healing to do its perfect work.
This is not a good time to take up a new relationship because at this point, the divorced person has not truly separated from the ex-partner psychologically-the classic rebound relationship happens when people find new partners too soon after the divorce. This can add to the grief and emotional difficulty.
The key to dealing with divorce in the long run is to make the experience of grief and hurt actually stand for something-learning. Without developing insight into what the problems of the relationship were that led to the divorce, no matter who had the primary issues, people are likely to repeat the psychological dynamics. For example, a person who leaves a violent relationship should be getting out of that kind of situation, but is at risk for getting into another violent relationship.
Sometimes an insightful counselor, church pastor, or good friend can really help with the exploration of the kinds of things that happened in the relationship as it was beginning and as it progressed. It would be good to look at the signs that things were wrong back when they might have been changeable. For example, when a person feels consistently disrespected in a relationship, the chances are the disrespect began happening early in the relationship and was tolerated rather than dealt with. A person who listens well and is wise can help with figuring out what could have been done besides just allowing the disrespect.
Writing in a journal is another great way to help you identify the problems in a past relationship. It allows one to rehearse thoughts and re-evaluate actions and events that transpired. Several self-help books are available that stimulate the mind to reassess the course of events. You can transform a blank notepad or used notebook into a journal. Do whatever is best for you.
Divorce is survivable and second marriages are often lots happier than first marriages made when people were young and emotionally immature. But in order to get into a happier second marriage, it is important to do some learning about what happened in that original relationship and take steps towards preventing the same thing from happening again.
